Change of Heart

There's a verse in Ecclesiastes 3 that says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..." and one of them states, "A time to keep silence, and a time to speak."

For me, it's time to speak.

Writing is a form of catharsis for me...it's how I process thoughts, feelings, life. I generally tend to be private with my words, though, mostly because I don't like to write fluff --- I have to write the truth, and I never really learned how to write truth without making it too personal or sharing too much.

I don't like to be the center of attention. Sometimes compliments make me uncomfortable. My point here is, for so long I would have something important to say but I'd hesitate to say it or write it because I didn't want feedback, positive or negative. I've cared for so long what people think; I've worried what kind of opinion of me my writing will form in other people's minds. I didn't want to be seen as immature, foolish, arrogant, attention-seeking, too spiritual, self-righteous...whatever else. So now I ask myself, is that what I think of others when they share something God is doing or saying in their lives? If not, why would I assume that's what others will think of me?

I know there's a balance here; some things are not meant to be shared.

But some are. And I've wrestled with excuses for a long time. Today I couldn't get this out of my head, probably because I watched a movie yesterday ("Akeelah and the Bee") and was struck by a quote in it by Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

Who am I to hide the gifts God has given me? Those gifts were never meant to bring glory to myself. They've always been for His sake.

So here begins my obedience, and there goes the fear. I will write heedless of what others deem true of me, because this has never been about me. I will write for the fame and glory of Jesus Christ, to be obedient when he wants me to share something, and perhaps to bring a little light, life, or love to other people.

Lord, give me wisdom on when to keep silent and when to speak.